These are the moments

October 25, 2017

These are the moments...

There’s a lot of stress these days placed on parents of very young children to “enjoy it!” And “those days are the best!” And “it goes so fast, enjoy every minute”...and I have found plenty of solace in articles that recognize the obnoxiousness of these comments and have not continually beat myself up for not cherishing every moment that I am changing a poopy diaper or when I am lunging across the room, because the eleven month old just sneezed and is in the process of smearing boogers all over her entire face.  

But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a constant, dull tugging that perpetually pulls at you to try to take a deep breath and soak it all in.  In some ways it is the same feeling I get when I am strolling in a European city and I pause and take a beautiful, deep breath and sigh as I give myself a moment to just immerse myself and enjoy exactly where I am.  And I have...I really have.  On weekend mornings when we finally have a moment in which we aren’t frantically trying to rush out of the house and I sit down on the couch and the girls all happily clamber on top of me for hugs and snuggles and books and movies - I definitely catch myself taking a deep, beautiful breath as I enjoy those snuggles.  And there’s so many special times like this.

What people fail to tell you - and what those people who try to guilt you into enjoying every minute forget...is that parents of very small children are often so fatigued that some days it is impossible to enjoy anything.  The greatest frustration and sadness for me the past three and a half years is that on my most tired days or weeks - my fatigue is actually so deep in my bones and marrow that I cannot actually feel anything, especially joy.  In fact, the only emotion I tend to be able to feel is sadness.  Now, I’m aware of postpartum depression - and while this may be slightly that - my entire life I have been a very high energy person - which means I am capable of pushing myself incredibly far out on the brink of exhaustion - to the point that I often push myself way way way too far to have the energy to gracefully get myself back.  And what I have known since I was in early elementary school (because my poor mother would have to rationalize with me even then when my exhaustion-sadness would show up) - when I am in utterly exhausted mode - everything seems worse and I feel far more sad.  Once I have slept, it’s like a reset button and I feel rationale and sane again in the morning.

The trouble is - with two small children who are only twenty-four months apart, two dogs, and a job that is located 50-90 minutes away and has rigid hours - that deep forest of fatigue?  I basically packed up and moved there.  The energy required to reason away my self-doubt and sadness or lift the veil of numbness to feel joy was often nowhere to be found.  ...I rationally knew it.  But that didn’t actually make it any easier to leave the forest.  

As someone who has always been very sensitive to making sure my blood sugar was stable and making sure I had enough water to drink for the day...the idea that no snack, no bottle of water, no coffee or chocolate or glass of wine would provide any comfort whatsoever and that the only thing that would actually help me feel better was the one thing I couldn’t have... it has been a really tough few years.

Lily is now 18 months old.  An age we have been hoping to get to, talking about excitedly as this mystical, magical era is upon us.  About six weeks before Lily turned 18 months, I started to feel...human again. I don’t feel quite like my old self yet...and some days/weeks I have taken a major step back and really have to be realistic.  But one of the absolute best parts of crossing out of the fatigue forest is that...I don’t feel numb anymore.  It's like a veil has been lifted.  And even in the past several days...I have just had so many little sweet moments with the girls in which my heart swells and I take a beautiful, sweet, deep breath and think “These, these are the moments!”  

Tonight Lily sat in my lap and put her hands on my cheeks and kissed me - a big sloppy, but solemnly loving kiss.  Then she pulled back and looked me in the eye - her eyes so serious and so icy blue, and then she flung herself into a big hug, wrapping her arm around my neck with one hand and patting my shoulder with her other and she nuzzled her head into my neck.  These, these are the moments!  

As I tucked Hannah in, she demanded to “lay on top of me” and gave me the biggest hugs she could muster with her small, strong body and then gave me a big loving kiss and beautiful smile as she burrowed her head into my hair and neck, These are the moments!  

It’s wonderful to feel again and to be able to enjoy it more tangibly and fully. Did I sleep walk through the last several years?  Not even close. But I certainly recognize the limits the strain and stress and exhaustion place on us.  I’m just deeply thankful to have come up for some fresh air for now and to be able to enjoy my sweet family more than ever.