I am so excited to finally be able to announce that we are expecting our second baby! I say finally because, as cultural traditions go, I have known for quite some time (since early August), but we have steadily enjoyed telling some of our family and friends and are thrilled to finally be able to share our big news with more confidence and excitement! My favorite line has been telling everyone that Hannah is going to be a big sister!
So these stories and thoughts are about as candid as it gets...when I found out I was first expecting Hannah, I was just full of excitement. This time I was full of both excitement and a head swirling with all kinds of things - because this was more complicated - how would it change our family dynamics? How would it affect Hannah and change things for her? How will I handle things at work? Etc, etc, etc. So, this...is the candid combo of excitement and happiness over the newest member of our sweet little family as well as the initial reactions and concerns, too!
I found out Saturday morning after having some pretty hard core hunches that the test would in fact be positive. ...There had been a few prior cycles it had been a distinct possibility, but I didn't have the symptoms I did this time (although for real...when I started puking all over the Capital lawn at the Capital Fourth concert I honestly thought I was pregnant...when our friend Natalie came down with the same thing the next day I realized I was not...but man, I thought I was pregnant and in for a world of puking if that was how it was starting off!) But this time I had insatiable dry mouth for nearly a week before I tested and when I had looked back at my notes from when I found out I was pregnant with Hannah...that was one of the top three clues then as well. I also had started waking up in the middle of the night to pee and had a moment of "wait, this seems very familiar..." ..several nights in a row.
So, Saturday morning, August 8th, I was standing there at the bathroom counter upstairs, while my mother-in-law was downstairs with Hannah, husband walking the dogs, and father-in-law and sister-in-law soon bound for our house from their hotel room in Silver Spring...I stared, only half believingly at the test that had the faintest of little pink lines, excitedly thinking "Really?! Could it really be true?!"
Could we or should we tell the family that was visiting for the weekend? How was I going to tell Daniel? I ended up just telling Daniel - just kind of blurting it out - while this wasn't unplanned, I did not have an elaborate plan of how I would tell him the big news this time...and with his family visiting for the weekend, it changed things a lot.
He asked if we should tell his family and I said I wanted to take another test and have a more positive result before we told them. So we decided I would head out to Target to get alone time and pick up a few things we needed (I seriously never run errands alone anymore and I majorly miss it). Oh my disastrous trip to Target. This Target is the crappiest Target I have ever had to deal with - and while I was technically on the hunt for some mary jane shoes that would actually fit Hannah (all of a sudden her every day shoes were a no and I thought her toes were going to burst out of them), I was hoping to find shoes super quickly and then head to the personal care area to pick up some more tests. But the shoe department was a mess - it looked like a rummage sale and it was a full on struggle to find a pair of matching shoes of the right size at all. Then, I finally picked up the pregnancy test, checked out, and in truly classy style headed to the restroom to take a digital test - I had been holding it for way too long and was way ready to go. I sounded ridiculous in the bathroom as I attacked the box, desperately trying to get it open before I had an accident, took the test...only to find out that it had thrown an error and the digital test shut itself down (no I did not pee all over it). Ahhh! Knowing I only had one more test I realized I was going to need more than that and headed back into Target, with my bags and receipt in tow, grabbed more tests, checked out again, and then headed home where my in-laws were hanging out (with no idea what was going on). I broke the boxes down and left them in my car and shoved the tests in my pants and headed inside. Lol. It was ridiculous and makes for a great story now!
It took a few days to get a digital positive - but here we go! Baby Hals #2 is on the way!!!
We did end up telling Daniel's parents while they were visiting and completely surprised them and the next weekend we told mine while we were at the family reunion in NJ.
Our family of four!
Since that special morning I have run the full gamut of emotions, but increasingly as I work through my nervousness about juggling everything, how it will affect Hannah, how dramatically this will change our lives, etc, what continues to break through and shine is my excitement and contentment that this is our next step. The timing really and truly would never be perfect, but we are continuing to grow our sweet and precious little family and have long decided we would rather our children be close in age and we would rather condense than spread our the duration of the baby land epoch in the Hals kingdom. (Aka - the honest truth? When we pack up the bottles and sippy cups, we want to be able to give them away, not need to unpack them again later on. I know there are dozens of philosophies on how to spread out your family or keep them close together and for us, this is what makes the most sense).
As for that gamut of emotions? There was about a week in which these questions were swirling around in my head...once I answered them I actually felt much better and the excitement steadily increased and increased as I also allowed myself to believe more and more that this was actually going to happen (I, like everyone else, am always so paranoid about sad things happening, I found myself really guarding my excitement this time!)
-am I fucking crazy? (possibly...but people on Facebook do this all the time and their selective pictures that they post when they've dried their hair and put on makeup and dressed both kids up makes it look easy...lol. Yeah. I know.)
Haha. Hannah was sick with hand, foot, and mouth disease, and the puppies wanted attention too - I think Daniel's face in this picture captures that overwhelmed feeling I had during the first week pretty perfectly.
-why am I crazy enough to want "everything" and want to continue managing all of this AND my career AND our home? (oh Beth. past, present, and future Beth have a variety of answers on this one. Some of them are very encouraging and kind, some of them are snarky).
First day of school! Ninth year in education!
-am I really ready to physically destroy myself again? (would I really be that much more ready in a few more months? I think I'm enjoying the idea that once I build myself back this time, it can be for keeps.)
-for over two years now I have continuously shared a part of myself with another human being (June 30, 2013 I found out I was pregnant with Hannah, since then I have either been pregnant or nursing...or now both...continuously...)...why oh why didn't I "reclaim" myself for a month or two first? At this rate it will be four straight years before I get myself back. ...that thought is probably the most suffocating to me. I don't regret nursing for a single moment, it has been wonderful for us, and I can't really imagine weaning Hannah before now, but omg. This is the only thing that makes me a little sad. Granted, when all this is done I will get to keep my misshapen self to myself for the rest of my life, but still. A month or two break would have been nice. However...I will add that one of the key parts of me being willing to go for baby #2 is the fact that I felt SO MUCH BETTER once I stopped pumping during the day and only nursed morning, late afternoon, evening - during the past few months I have really felt like myself again. Hence, the willingness to hope for baby #2.
**nearly two months after writing this I am almost completely done nursing and feel much better about this part. But for real - this was the thing that was freaking me out at first....it was just such a suffocating thought. Selfish perhaps - but very honest. We're down to 5-10 minutes before bed - and that is very sweet and snuggly and special time still and it helps turn the "time for bed" switch on for Hannah. I'm so grateful for all of that that I am just fine with keeping that ritual a little longer and cherish it.
-can our marriage survive it? (probably? Yes, it totally can if we keep the Team Hals mentality. We do the worst when we turn things into a "you vs. me". It can get gross quickly. We just need to stay away from the blame game and keep the kids from dividing and conquering us.)
I very deeply heart Team Hals
-How the hell am I going to walk two dogs and two babies in the park? (folks the jury is still out on this one because if I put Hannah in a stroller and walk the dogs I look like a drunken sailor...I have since begun to investigate tandem strollers and have been working on my ability to walk the dogs and a stroller-bound Hannah...I'm improving)
-Can I wear two ergos and balance them out with one baby on each side? (I'm seriously not kidding, can it be done?) ...okay I have googled it. It can. (ahhhh, lovely sigh of relief...and realization that I think I could take all four on a walk.)
Sure, I can let Hannah walk on the trail...but when we near the road to head home she transforms into a willful, I-may-be-only-18-months-old-but-let-me-show-you-what-terrible-twos-can-look-like situation when I want her to hold my hand to cross the street. *Sigh*
-How will our family get around? Well, we seriously cannot afford to live in the area, pay for daycare squared and get a bigger car, so those sweet 2001 and 2007 honda civics are where it's at folks. So...if Daniel drives, I ride in the passenger seat, we get two carseats in the back, Chance can lay in the floor in the back and Holly can ride on my lap...our family can go on an outing. (no, I'm not kidding, we have had this conversation...but good thing the park is across the street).
Multitasking anyone? It's what the Hals do best!
I hope Hannah loves her little brother/sister as much as she loves her puppies!!!
omgoodness I love these two!
But again, in all seriousness. Deep down, I am so excited about this adventure! As we have hit the critical checkpoints through the pregnancy, (confirmed heartbeat!, nuchal translucency scan with a beautiful waving, wiggling baby!), I have steadily allowed myself to believe that we really are going to have a baby and have become more and more excited! My heart warms when I think about all four of us cuddling up on the couch to read board books together and I am already dreaming of all of the baby snuggles and the whole world just screeching to a halt (or at least my world...the rest keeps spinning) while I shut the door and just melt into baby love. I love to picture Hannah and Daniel working together to make our littlest one laugh. And I love thinking about what his/her hair and eyes and mouth will look like and itch for that first true smile.
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